Tuesday, May 27, 2008

mother's day

if my memory serves me right, i have only celebrated mother's day twice in my whole life. once when i was pregnant. and the celebration was because it falls on my birthday. the second time was when made bought me a spa treatment from the energy spa. none other that i could recall. neither that i could recall if i have ever celebrated mother's day with mak. maybe there was..

me and mak has never been an item. we argue most of the time. we could never row the same boat. the boat will crack, we will be drown. neither of us could swim - one of the minor similarities that we share.

during my childhood, i have always thought mak has never loved me. mak has always tried to figure out my fault. and it seemed that whatever good thing i did, has never caught mak's attention. but i have always been punished for things i did wrong. mak hated me, mak was jealous of me, mak has never wanted me in her life. it was hard to get daily pocket money from mak. it was only if i HAD no choice that i turned to mak. and i became little thief. whenever mak asked me to buy things from the kedai leman, instead of rm1, i'll "accidently" pull out rm5. i retired being a little thief a couple of weeks later, after bapak made me wrote a book full of "saya tak akan mencuri lagi".

during my teenie, things never changed. mak was still the same. i have never felt "welcome" by mak. whenever i did wrong, i'd be punished. whenever my sayings were wrong, she wont talk to me, silent treatment. thus made me turned to my friends. and she never knew who my friends were, except for sherry. the rest, i needed to explain. "fizah.. yg duduk belakang ni", "ayu.. yg duduk au3 tu", "bukan najwa la mak, nama dia izwa". it was pathetic. mak called me "anak setan" for answering a phone call from a friend. i felt totally discriminated. i felt.. i'm better off without mak.

i worked during my semester breaks. i have even started part time work during my final year in itm. simply because i needed my pocket money. simply because i want to stay away from home. simply because i dont want any silent treatments. and i had tears of sadness on my graduation.

i got married. we moved out of the house. a dream came true. and i am so grateful that this action has its disguise.

things changed.. mak has now called me whenever she has things on her mind. i am now, a buddy to mak. i am now somebody whom mak trusted and mak can turn to. mak has now been my companion whenever made is not around. though, yes, there are still times that i felt neglected by mak, but deep inside i know the reason for mak taking such action. mak confided in me. i felt proud. i felt a sense of belonging. i started to feel, i am mak's daughter. i started to feel the love in the air. i started to breeze with mak beside me. a feeling that was never with me...

as time passes, generation changes. that was the root of all conflicts. mak wanted the best of her children. along as her only son, she expects the best from along. so does from her 2 daughters. she stands firm for the lovely roses. and also to her only daughter-in-law whom she loves dearly, and the same goes to her darling son- in- law.

i tend to think she didnt love me. when the fact is that she loves me dearly. i am her first daughter and she was being over protective. i thought she was being nasty & strict because she didnt want me, but the truth is she wanted me to reach the clouds and not only stays on the ground. i felt she has neglected me but the thing was she wanted me to be independent and stand firm. she wants me to be able to look into the world with my own view and not thru her eyes. she wants me to listen to the melody with my own ears and not with her singing the lullaby. she wants me to taste all the sweet and bitterness and not for her to swallow it all for me.

she wants me to be me.

perhaps i was blind. perhaps i was the one who closed the ears and shut the mouth. or perhaps i was given more time and chances to realize before it was too late to love mak.

"i dare not to speak, as a word of mine will be a torn in your love. i dare not to speak as my speech will be a tear of my own. i dare not to cry as my tears will be the heaviest punishment for my children. as much as my sayings hurt you, it hurts me too. my silent was not a treatment. my silent was for your own good. i wouldn't want to hurt my darlings whom i cherish all these years. what had happened to me, was meant for me. i have never asked for things to happen but it was all written for me. please dont judge me for what i said for the sayings are only for what i felt. dont judge me for what i did for the action are only for what i regret" - mak

Saturday, May 24, 2008

interview: en. made cekgu tahir

i was with made the other day. had nothing to do, i asked this question to my darling:

"let say one day, u have rm3 million. what is the first thing you will be doing?"

he conveniently answered, "masturbating"

er.. ok...

so i rephrase the question to, "if one day you win rm3 million, whats the first thing that comes into your mind?"

he chose to answer, "pay all my debts"

fair enough, i guess....

i then rephrase and asked the same question again:

"if you win rm3 millions tomorrow, what is the first thing that you'd buy?"

he confidently answered, "groceries and put it in the fridge. i'm being practical, ok.."

men are like this eh?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


friday, 16th may 2008
1805/1905 (local time)
KLIA, malaysia/suvarnabhumi, bangkok, thailand

taxi dia altis ok... confirm aku takkan beli altis.. driver dia bawak keta laju giler dan terselit-selit sampai aku rasa nak gi register insurance time-time tu jugak. kona dulu baru bagi signal, boleh? taxi dia ada macam2. motor pun ada. best wooo...

first impression, ya rabbiiiii.. ape menda ni. wire-wire ni sumer boleh dicapai dengan senang lenangnya oleh michael jordon ok.. untuk aku, kena panjat tanggalah.. giler rendah, berselirat. ada satu area tu, betul2 depan kedai. boleh?

check in: the bedrooms, boutique hotel
hospitality: excellent. staff dia sangat efisien, sangat cuba membantu. tak pandai english pun bedal je....
free wi-fi, bilik besar master bedroom aku je la tapi :D, depan mata - carrefour. flag belah kanan sekali tu flag malaysia. bangga kan?

bangkok mass transit system (bts) = lrt
10 minutes from the bedrooms. ada tv dalam train. they announce name of places & put it up in the tv together with the ads. sangat convenient untuk org macam kami.
17/5: on nut - chatuchak market - on nut
18/5: on nut - siam paragon - on nut
19/5: on nut - mbk - siam paragon - on nut

ape ke boringnya aktivit en. ramadhan sekeluarga ni..

chatuchak park - opposite chactuchak market. chatuchak market tu ada macam2 menda. tapi kami tak berjalan sangat. tak bawak stroller adam. keadaan jalan yg tidak mengizinkan. visited only few front rows of shops saje. rugi pulak rasa :(

swensens ni dalam carrefour. kat kl susah nak jumpa. redah jugak :D makan macam payah sikit. sebelah swensens ni ada black canyon. dia kata tomyam seafood, tapi macam ada jugak daging tu. tawakal je lah... ada tempat kata halal, tapi ada itik gantung.. steady je. kehkehkeh makanan yg kami betul2 makan dengan berselera tanpa rasa was-was adalah secret recipe kat siam paragon. yg lain sumer baca bismillah tiap kali suap

tut-tut dari mbk ke siam paragon yg kalo jalan kaki tak sampai 100 meter pun. nak merasa punya pasal. lagipun driver dia ensem. dia bawak ronda2. tapikan.. aku rasa dia saja nak intai aku dari rear mirror dia. eh eh.. boleh ke gitu? hahahahaha

balik dari siam paragon, hujan lebat. satu simpang nak ke hotel tu naik air. pakai kasut baru, velvet pulak. tak leh kena air. nampak selipar biru ni tepi jalan. rembat je. kecik sikit. tapi bedal la.... tima kasih selipar. balik bilik, siap2 gi orchid spa, gi cuci kaki. hehehe...spa ni sebelah hotel je. made buat foot massage, aku buat thai massage. thai massage adalah sangat best. tapi untuk isteri-isteri yg suaminya ada sikit galak... sila ikut sehingga ke bilik ye. kalo nak tunggu sama pun bagus. sebab thai massage ni sangatlah lemah lembut dan "sensitif".

tuesday, 20th may 2008
1105/1405 (local time)
suvarnabhumi, bangkok, thailand/KLIA, malaysia

ole-ole dari bangkok, thailand:
baju tido tu sebab murah
buku cite tu beli kat kinokuniya sebab boring tak tau nak buat apa
souvenir beli kat mbk & chatuchak market
plaster tu sebab kasut merah tu gigit ankle
train untuk adam, cian dia boring
cd pocoyo tu untuk adam jugak sebab tv takde cartoon langsung. cite blue pun takde. kaciwa...
double decker tu mau kasik bangga je sebab barangan buatan malaysia
kasut tu... no comment

hospitality org thai sangat best - sila jangan pikir yg bukan2 ye... derang sangat bersopan santun & hormat org. asik tertunduk2, macam org jepun. dalam bts, kami confirm akan dapat seat. they will angkat bontot once tengok budak kecik. giler tabik kat derang. and the only sign they have in their bts is "please allow seat to those in need". takde sign org preggy ke, org pakai tongkat ke, org tua ke - yilek.

excited - penat - best - happy - seronok

Friday, May 16, 2008

kita dan org

rasa sakit hati kan..
bila kita jaga hati org
org tak reti jaga hati kita

rasa ralatkan..
bila kita jaga cakap kita, tutur kita, adab kita
org kata kita kurang ajar

rasa bengangkan..
bila kita cuba nak membantu
org kata kita menyibuk, jaga tepi kain org

rasa bodohkan..
bila kita hormat org
apa kita dapat hanya nista

kata-kata seperti apa yg kita buat selama ni tak cukup
kata-kata seperti apa yg kita buat selama ni tak memadai
kata-kata seperti apa yg kita buat selama ni tak perlu

apa lagi yg org mahu?
apa lagi yg org harap?
apa lagi yg org hendak?

tak cukup lagi dengan apa yg kita dah lakukan?
tak cukup lagi dengan kita tolong fikirkan kebaikan & kebahagiaan org?
tak cukup lagi apa yg kita dah korbankan selama ni?

kita kah yg terlalu memberi
org kah yg tak pernah rasa mensyukuri?

kita kah yg terlalu memikir tentang org
org kah yg tak pernah rasa dihargai?

kita kah selalu berbalik harap
org kah yg selalu ingin dipenuhi

kita hanya manusia
manusia yg tak lari buat silap

adakala kita tak mampu
tak mampu untuk memenuhi semua hajat org

adakala kita tak larat
tak larat untuk menutup mulut org

adakala kita malas
malas nak layan perilaku org

salahkah kita begitu?
salahkah kita hanya ingin rasa kasih sayang & hormat
bila kita rasa hanya itu yg penting?

bukan duit
tidak harta
bukan kemewahan
tidak kekayaan

org mana yg mampu membeli kasih sayang
dengan ferrarinya?
org mana yg mampu membeli hormat
dengan juta-juta ringgitnya?

hanya si bodoh dan tolol saja yg kepinginkan ferrari & juta-juta ringgit org

kita tak nak hanya bahagia di dunia
kita nak bahagia di akhirat juga
tolonglah kita

kita penat....

pic from http://www.boundless.org

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

you and you and you and you and you

this morning something interesting happened...

i was infront of kilang transformer (ha.. kelas keramat kan? siap ada kilang transformer gitu...), i noticed one huge lori pengangkut carrying a jentolak, kept blinking it's headlights towards the opposite traffic. you knowlah.. like what will normally happen when a driver needs to make a turn but has not got a chance to do so. therefore he will blink-blink so that the incoming traffic would consider giving him way lah. macam itu... got it? anyways, pulang ke kisah driver lori tadi.. mari pikir why there were few cars ahead of me whom were also like me, ignored the blinking headlight given?

it is because... the signal given was going to its left. and he was actually wanting to turn right. jadik salah i dan kereta-kereta depan i ke tak bagi dia jalan?


this evening oso, something interesting happened...

i've been wanting to send gayah for some cleaning therapy. so after fetching adam and ammar, i went to this car wash which is like 2 minutes away from my house. the other day, made sent wakjah for cleaning, he said it was fast & cheap. rm7 only. so with this recommendation, i went there with the kids. upon arrival, i felt pity already. one of the workers is handicapped. i sangat hati sayu pilu tak boleh tengok org gini ok... so, i parked my car. and sat with the boys at one waiting space. nyamuk sangat banyak and ahead of us was this sign saying "kawasan wabak denggi". rasa nak je jalan gi 7-11 beli ridsect. the 2 workers were juggling between my gayah and another satria. berlagak siut owner satria tu. nak je aku lempang. macam aku heran sangat ko keje pengiring agung. takdenye aku nak tau ko nak beli keta 2nd hand untuk mak pak ko ke, mak mentua ko ke apa ke. baya keta cash ke. ko bawak satria ko dah sampai gunung ledang ke gunung jerai ke... aku tak herannnnnnnn dan tidaklah aku ingin tauuuuuu wahai kanda oiii.. tapi ko dah cite, aku dengar jelah...


cite balik pasal cuci keta. upon arrival, when i asked the guy how much was it for cleaning and vacuum, he said rm8. i was, oklah.. tambah rm1 pun tak kisahlah. then after cleaning2, i thought, nevermindlah. give him extra lah. pity them also. tempat terpencil, dont know got customers or not. so, i decided to give all the small change i had - rm11. after all cleaning done, i asked again how much for the cleaning & vacuum service. the non-handicapped guy told me rm10. pulak dah.. i was like, "eh? tadi kata rm8". and since i didn't want to argue, i just handed the money to him. the money means, all my rm11. and he just l-e-f-t. i watched him with no guilty feeling took the extra rm1 into his pocket. rasa nak belasah je dia. boleh ke? bukan tak ikhlas.. extra rm1 tu pun bukannya banyak mana sangat pun. in fact, i sangat ikhlas nak membantu. tapi....... ntah.. rasa ralat bila tengok keta takdelah cuci sangat. comot masih ada. kesan najis burung pun ada lagi. cuci kejadahnya tu? baik suh adam ngan ammar je cuci. puas hati tengok bebudak ni main air.

things like these happen all the time, yes? tak amanah, ignorant, selfish, berlagak, back-stab, etcetera. we are all human. we are bound to have these kind of feelings. but having said this, human, or we, people are still not wanting to analyze the root to what had happened. what had caused the feeling? what had caused others to feel or to react such way? we want people around us to sympathize. we want people to feel how we felt. but we are not willing to do more for others. am i right?

looking at 20 years ago, there were none to be called major highways. there were minimal tall buildings and skycrappers. there were minimum number of technology in life. and people are so intoeach other. now? as technology lead our life and development took the major role, human factors have decreased. respect, feeling for oneself, empathy, all the good-good note in pelajaran mural have been forgotten.

i'm scared. scared for what will adam face in the next couple of years. scared for what will myself be facing in the next couple of months?

notakaki: i have been bz lately.. penat. letih. exhausted. haus.... will update on me & iskl, me & 30, me & family soon. tunggu made balik, baru boleh upload gamba.

taken from www.babyblues.com