my mukhsin

i met my mukhsin many years ago. precisely, 16 years ago (iye.. for those who know my age, 4 words - cinta tidak kenal usia.. hahaha).

how i got attracted? i got no idea. love at first sight, i should say. . it all started with a friend. a friend whom actually fall for me. my mukhsin gave in. but he knew and his friend also knew, cinta manakan berputik jika bertepuk sebelah tangan. from being a postman, we started to fell for each other. after 6 months, he had to make a move. that was when our "long" distance love story started.

the love ship sailed north, south, east and west for 3 years.

one fine day i promised a friend to accompany her meeting her date. tidak disangka-sangka, the date was also a friend of mine. we were so happy that day. and only me who thought it was.. from far away, there was my mukhsin. looking at me with his friends. And my thought, “oh. what a twist of fate..” and i went to greet him

few days later, i got my latest pic taken during my mukhsin’s mentor’s wedding – in pieces. the postlady – my neighbour, had hard time explaining. i cried and cried and cried. oh why! oh why! oh why! so many answers. none to conclude…

time flies

we went out one day. one topic to another. and we had this conversation:

mukhsin: macam mana u dengan that x-guy?

myself: x-guy? kenapa dengan dia?

mukhsin: u gf dia dulu kan?

myself: eh pluhleeze la.. mana ada lah. dia tu bf y-lady la.

mukhsin: yg dulu la. yg i nampak u dengan dia tu?

myself: mana ada la.. i gi teman y-lady jumpa bf dialah

mukhsin: he was ur bf kan? that was the reason u nak broke up kan?

myself: eh.. mana ada. since when that he became my bf? u ingat i suka-suka hati nak rampas bf kawan sendiri ke?

mukhsin: dah tu kenapa u mintak gambar u balik?

myself: bila pulak i mintak gambar i balik? all i know u yg pulangkan gambar i – in pieces to be exact

mukhsin: dah x-guy kata u yg nak balik. sebab dia kata u suka dia

myself: mukhsin! no! that wasn’t true. postlady told me that u return my picture as u already had a new lady.

mukhsin: i pulak. mana i ada gf. i was so sad to find out that u ada hati dengan org lain. siap u nak eksyen depan i lagi. so i tore the pic in pieces.

myself: noooo.. i was not eksyen depan u. they wanted to go to that taman. So I followed. i tak duk area tu, remember? mana i tau jalan. last thing i knew, u were there. i thought u terjalan kat situ jugak. that’s why i was so happy seeing u

mukhsin: no.. my friends brought me there. they said u want to meet me there.

myself: I have never planned such meeting. if i were to meet you, i would have called u, myself. buat apa i nak bagitau kawan2 u?

silent

mukhsin: i think they have fooled us. they have twisted the story. i got this version and u got another version. they just cant understand.. they just cant accept it.. now that they all dah ada gf, i hope they understand how we felt..

myself: - speechless -

how i wish i could turn back time.

how i wish his friends would understand.

how i wish he’s mine…..

we spent the weekend (without sleeping over) in bukit tinggi. that time that place had no phone coverage. so we had no disturbance. Only he, me, us.

we settled down. u, me, good friends.

the other day, he got married. i had mix feelings. i’ve let him go. i had. i have. i have to. only 3 things.

one, the wife whom i first met years ago had once said to me out loud “pantang nampak jantan hensem. mengekor je”. and that time i went “kenapa kakak ni? ngata aku ke apa? this is my bf la”. so when I first found out about their relationship, i had a good laugh with akut. “patutlah dia dok ngata aku sangat.. rupenye dia pun teringin.. hahahaha”

second, my mukhsin is the only person whom i was with, that never berjalan berpegangan tangan – suci murni kan? heheheh..

third, he’s the only one whom would point at me proudly say “she’s my first love” to almost everybody, including the x-gf, x-fiance and wife.

everybody has a first love story to tell.

i've told mine

*mukhsin adalah bukan nama sebenar. Nama samaran semata2. tidak ada kaitan di dalam ini cerita*

saya yang pelik

been tagged by kak nomi. before i proceed to tell my "weirdness", allow me to tell u something that i found kindda "weird".

the other day la.. i dengar radio. if not mistaken era and seelan was the dj. artis undangan, nana & achik spin. so the topik was about the life of these 2 guests. bla bla bla.. then there was this question: "what do you like to do during ur free times?" i cant remember what was nana's answer but i sure remember achik's. why? read on..

seelan: apakah kegiatan di masa lapang achik?
achik: achik di masa lapang suka buat benda pelik2 la. lain daripada org lain
seelan: oh! lain daripada org lain? benda pelik apa tu achik?
achik: ha.. achik suka main boling
seelan: (after pause for a few while) main boling pelik ke?

=P

apa la achik.. boling pun pelik. tak taula pulakkan dia main boling macam mana. baling pin instead of bola la kotnya? hahahaha..

ok. back to the original topik. weird things about me.. lemme think ya...

1) i tak minum kopi. not because it's caffeinated. but i just dont drink it. well.. actually ada cerita la. when i was a kid, a friend of bapak used to tell me "na.. jangan minum kopi. nanti hitam". oleh kerana itu, tidaklah saya minum kopi. sebab takut hitam. apa2 pun produk yg ada perasa kopi i tak sentuh. kalo termakan, i boleh terjeluak balik.

2) i tak minum air panas. serius i tak reti. oleh itu, kalo nak jemput datang rumah korang, tak payah susah2. buatkan je lah air sirap. air kosong pun tak pe. penah sekali pegi beraya umah kawan. sekali mak dia buatkan air teh panas. adehhhh.. org lain suma dah habis 2 cawan. i ni terkulat2 tengok je air tu. takut panas. hajat di hati nak tuang je atas piring, peh tu hirup selow-selow. tapi seganlah pulak kan...

3) i tak makan product food. maksudnya, i tak makan sesuatu yg dah jadik produk. contohlah... durian. durian as raw durian i makan. tapi kalau durian tu dah jadik wajik ke, dodol ke, lempuk ke, bubur ke, i tak reti makan. durian as tempoyak tu makan lagi. sebab bentuk dia still macam durian yg belum jadik produk.

4) i tak suka bunga. sebab itu laman umah i tak de bunga. jangan kata bunga, pokok pun takde. harap pokok makcik pah sebelah bagi je lah. itu pun dia la yg jaga. dia tanam, dia letak dalam pasu, dia jugaklah yg susunkan kat depan umah i ni. hahahhaha.. dulu la kan.. i ada lah secret admirer yg suka bagi bunga. berdozen2 la dia bagi. so one fine day, bila dia kol, i pun dengan senang hati bagitau dia, "apa kata awak jangan bagi saya bunga lagi. semak la. bagilah cokelat ke apa ke.." so seterusnya dia pun bagi cokelat. tapi sayang, usahanya tetap gagal. hehhehehe

5) i tak leh makan mengadap org. i'll tend to makan lambat. giler lambat sebab asik leka tengok org lalu lalang. peh tu tengok gelagat org. lama2 makanan dalam pinggan tu sumer dah sejuk. and typically, i cant eat alone. rasa len macam la makan sensorang.

6) i tak jalan laju. skang je dah pandai sikit jalan laju. kalo dulu mak siap cakap tak suka jalan ngan i sebab dia kata jalan ngan i macam jalan ngan indon. berangkai je kat belakang.. heheheh


6 aje kan kak nomi? hehehhe


i nak tag org jugaklah.. i nak tag: fizah, aiza, miera, julie, my daling, che nani, niezam phg & kak yam

mandi

for some people - taking shower
to some others - bathe or bath

but

to adam it's either mandi sungai or mandi roti canai

mandi sungai is mandi with the shower, and kolam pooh yg kecik tu as tempat tadah air. di samping itu terdapat additional barangan-khayal-ketika-mandi seperti tractors, cars, choochoo trains, helis or aeroplanes.

mandi roti canai pula adalah mandi with the shower bersama tuala kecik yg boleh digunakan seperti membuat roti canai

to mama & ayah: mensucikan diri =P

terkenang-kenang

i was a student in sekolah menengah lembah keramat (smlk for short) from 1991 - 1995. not quite best/top student tho. tapi glamer tetap ada =P




memories in smlk:
1) i have 6 good friends (thanks for the friendship ladies..)

2) serong kelas BM sampai cikgu pun tak kenal sampailah habis SPM... muahahahaha

3) nak serong kelas amatlah senang. amik selai ketas + pen sebatang. jalan la satu sekolah. komfem tak kena tanya punya

4) kelas paling boring engineering. giler bodo rasa masuk kelas tuuuu.. time engineering la masa yg paling bagus untuk lepak dengan keyoi

5) from cikgu anita i learnt: org lelaki buat salah macam mana pun, esok lusa org akan lupa. tapi kalau org pempuan yg buat salah, 7 keturunan pun tak mungkin org akan lupa

6) cikgu anita was the person who approached & guide me in understanding add maths. my elective subjects were giler boring. engineering, add science, add maths. and my best score was SAP throughout form 4 - trial. thanks to cikgu anita. if not for her, i'd be seating for my spm the next year

7) makanan paling mahal ayam goreng. rm1.50 seketul

8) pengawas lain jaga pagar satu period je. i jaga pagar sampai 2 -3 period. depends subject apa pagi tu.

9) pn. vemala adalah cikgu sejarah yg best. sampai hujung penggal pun dia still kata "tak pe suhanna. i understand u masuk sekolah lambat. sebab tu u tak boleh catch up". giler best...

10) cikgu ghazali bengkel pun best. malas belajar, dia panggil masuk bengkel. main chess. hahahahah

- ada lagi yg lain nya.. lenkali lah

030307 marked a date. some of us gathered after 12 years. looking at the number of years rasa cam tua je. tapi bila dah jumpa masing2 perasan cam muda je.. hahaha

bertempat di restoran mak zaid - pucuk manis, wangsa maju - myself (+ made + adam) met taj, arif yazid, aris, lynn (+ family), shek and of course zaid. sebelum nak balik sempat jumpa khairiah. those named were not my classmates. except for arif & zaid - whom i dont actually realized that we were in the same class.

the objective of this meeting is discuss on organizing a grand gathering. to call all smlkerz (as what they agreed to call - i'm still in exception) batch 1991 -1995 for a grand reunion.

sungguh gembira rasa hati dapat jumpa kawan2 sepersekolahan. giler best. tapi aris kena marah ngan i. hahaha. sorry lah ha..

walaupun asik berpindah tempat kerana zaid sudah terlupa nak reserved kan tempat and the restaurant adalah amat crowded walaupun di petang hari, saya amat gembira. amat berbesar hati dapat bertemu kawan2 semua.

lepas ni kita jumpa lagi..

so those smlkerz (why la they chose this name.. well at least sounds better than kervoso-whatsoever) sila-silalah layari laman smlk untuk berita terkini pasal gathering.

kata-kata

pesan ayah,
biar orang buat jahat kat kita
jangan kita buat buat jahat kat orang

pesan mak,
sesuatu kejadian mendewasakan kita, mematangkan kita
look forward for good thing, biarlah apa org nak kata

hukum karma,
what goes around comes around
sesekali di atas, kita pasti akan di bawah

and i always believe,
Allah menguji kita sebab Allah sayangkan kita
Allah timpakan ujian sebab nak kuatkan keimanan kita
nak dekatkan kita padaNya


dan kini saya pasrah..

planned vs actual

day one

planned:
tupperware jumble sale brochure
basuh baju

actual:
basuh baju


day two

planned:
iron baju (punggah baju dalam bakul. those hanged, lipat masuk bakul)

actual:
main online & downloaded games dari pagi sampai petang
beli groceries


day three

planned:
engagement lydia, cheras

actual:
engagement lydia, cheras


day four

planned:
tupperware updates

actual:
bawak mak ngan bapak jalan-jalan kat great eastern mall

kesimpulan tiga titik: hampeh punya cuti 4 hari. takde mutu dan keunggulan langsung

ini budak lah yg paling happy. celik mata tv. nak tutup mata pun tv. asik2 tv.

bookworm adventure

not the game. that's me. and i'm craving for more books - no, i'm not pregnent.

i've finished reading all sophie's books - from confessions of a shopaholic until the latest - shopaholic & baby - which i got from made as a valentine's gift. done with undomestic goddes & can u keep a secret.



i'm also done with linda's collections. sheila o'flanagan - isobel's wedding (well... i skipped few pages actually) & diane chamberlain - the courage tree.



i've read madeleine wickham's cocktails for three. for note, madeleine wickham is actually sophie's real name and has written few books before changed to sophie & road the shopaholic's series.




the thing is, i'm quite a fast reader. i could finish reading a book in a day and rasa amat rugi because i dont like reading the same book again and again. resulting in visiting mph every weekend. hmmmphhhh

and another thing, once i started reading a book, i couldnt halt.

so, any books to suggest? no sci-fi please.

third day of february

1) julie weds abg najim aka misai, cheras. julie was so lovely. and i couldnt help but felt a bit sebak. nak-nak bila dengar kompang. rasa nak menitik air mata. sorry julie.. i cant stay long.. i wish i could. and i know u'd understand :) selamat pengantin baru, semoga bahagia ke akhir hayat. i still hutang ur hadiah kawin. couldnt find anything hijau that suits u




2) it was bapak & mak's 31st anniversary bash, kelab darul ehsan, ampang. it was a surprise gift from us, the anak2. arrangements & preparation within 2 weeks. alhamdulillah. all went well. kak ti almost blew it up. luckily kak na was there to cover up. thanks to all the adik beradik & saudara mara on both sides for the time and contribution. appreciate it so much. the contribution was more than enuff. now i'm thinking on what to do with the balance. joli sakan boleh ka? hehehe



3) deebers' 1st anniversary bash, lanai gurney. it was awesome. the first gathering was a year ago in dome, klcc. dah setahun jagung rupanya i've been thru laughter and tears with kak dib and the other deebers. so many things that we did together, just like one big happy family.

*****

all the above happened on the 3rd of february. i was so exhausted. woke up at 11am the next day. hoping that it was saturday. urghhh..

fly back

i was still trying to get latest confirmation from mark & raihan. mark couldn't be firm. bart hasn't come back with the details. raihan couldn't help further.

"so how can we go from here? i wont be there on friday. so does nisya."
"i don't have the final say either. i have to wait for bart to come back to me with the details. how ya?"

"anna, this is what we are going to do.. can raihan hold it until friday?"
"well.. yes.. but that's the final day. u have to have the final say or u wont be off on monday"
"indeed.. i'll get bart to reply by friday morning. and will let you know the outcome"
"ok sure. i'll ask isfahan to sort this out with raihan on friday"
"brilliant! thank you ya"

i had to be going.

"yang, abg dah on the way. kejap lagi sampaila"
"ok. dengan sapa? adam?"
"yup!"
"ok. see u at the lobby"

grabbed my bags then headed to the lobby

left, right. then..

"mama.. mama... mama"
"adam..."

adam ran as fast as he could. i was at the other end; with open arms.

"adam"
"mama.. mama"
"rindula mama kat adam"
"mama.. mama"

*****

if only it was klia's lobby.....

time travels

made missed his flite to JB this morning due to logistic error:P

and i'm here missing him already. it has been er.. 165 minutes? quite lama... dont u think?

there i was in the car this morning. alone. driving. giving some hard time to the queue jumper. then suddenly imagination took control.

"what if made is no longer with me?"
"what would happen to me & adam?"
"how will i survive?"
"where should i stay?"
"can i stay alone with adam? only with adam?"

only Allah knows how.. i pasrah

then i started to think a little further..

"can i withdraw his money without informing the bank?"
"do i have his PIN number? yes, i do. perhaps i'll just transfer all his money into my account and get over it...."

ah-ha .. splendid idea! brilliant!

then reality hits.

too much of thinkinglah i ni. after all, made is already on his way to JB. and he'll be back tonite.

but really la.. without made, the puzzle doesnt look complete. the house doesnt look like a home sweet home. it's just a terrible feeling. the feeling when ur sep-sep-bontot buddy is not by urside.

tapi bila ada asik nak lawan cakap. asiklah sumer tak betul. hahahahah...

i guess that's why we are meant for each other. reason why i love him so much

note: no hidden agenda. i just want my dear darling. huhu..

live life to the fullest

i had a big quarrel with made early this year. a bad one i tell u. really bad. ask sherry if u dont believe me. sherry pun tak caya i'd be having "marriage problem" since i've been always be marriage counselor to my friends. that's the reality la isn't it? alangkan pak imam pun merogol. kan? inikan pulak i. eh... i takde la merogol. what i mean, i'm still bound to having problems la. kan?

so i started my oink-oink year with not so good remarks. ups down, that's life. the big quarrel has somehow opened a new chapter in my life - so does to made, i believe. insya Allah.. the rest of oink-oink year will be a year to remember :)

back in the office, nothing great going on. being the 2nd person in the organization chart doesnt help much in getting higher pay or people looking high on u. (oklah.. i'm only 150cm. no wonder no body looking high on me. :P)

the 2nd person in the box inilah jugak yang dok buat job scope yg paling bawah dalam organization chart tu. cian i. (wehhhh.. tea lady mana masuk org. chart la..... kasik up la sikit... )

well at least the mamat french tu je la pengubat hatiku yg lara. hahaha...

had a chat with my former boss. he always give me some good points to ponder.

some points:

little N: how did u rate me last time? how did i performed?

big M: you did well. you have shown initiative and prepared to undertake additional responsibilities. i do depend on you in most things administratively. given the position as secretary...you are representing the boss.

(oklah.. ni point nak membangga diri la.. hahahaha)

little N: in csmp, a secretary is more of a clerk. dahlah salary pun sama dengan receptionist. sadis rasa. if in SE & SAF i'd be able to do more of supervisory & executive thingy, in CSMP is the other way round. if pool secretary boleh tahan lagi.. ni dah macam pool clerk. there are times i feel regret leaving SE. i was in the running of being an admin exec. yelah. dah penah melayan mem.. baik belah je

big M: different company have different view. dont really know whats instal for us in wherever we are

little N: nothing to argue. totally agree to that. that's why i learn to adapt into it..

big M: it will be nice to have what we want but dont feel bad if we dont have it. just be thankful and move on.

little N: to me now, i take all the assignments & try to do the best i could. and if possible, try to do better than the others and beyond their expectation

big M: thats the positive spirit. think and do things out of the box. expect to do the unexpected. if people dont appreciate it is too bad. not you weakness...its their. you will feel nice to have done beyond what was "expected"

little N: i feel so glad (& good) talking to u.. at times, i dah rasa mengalah. i rasa nak benti keje, and nak jadik cikgu tadika je. especially when u found out others got credit for things u've done.. worst feelings la..

big M: glad i can be of some help. life is not fair at times. it usually that way that others will be credited with things that you do. if this being the case dont just take it. make sure people knows about it.

-the above were extracted verbatimly from our googletalk-

it's nice to have somebody that make u feel good kan? rasa macam makan nasik putih dengan ikan goreng crunchy dengan sambal tempoyak dengam ulam ubi kayu. kan?

hehehe

buddylicious

name: aiza ismail a.k.a kuw.. emm.. ok.. i keep it to myself :)
years known: 11 years
status: married with 3 kids
my partner in biz yg bakal menjadik - insya Allah

pic taken in 1996 ketika masih menjadi remaja liar di itm

*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#

years known: more than 10 years.

i've known fizah since i was 5 years old. we attended the same kindergarten. known idayu when i was in standard five in sklk. known montok when i was in form 2 ( i think) and the rest were my classmates in form 4.

pic taken in 1995, engineering class

L-R:
nurul - now my neber, 2 kids (i think..)
fizan - lecturer in melaka, 1 kid
myself
shawal - aka montok. due for faiz jr at any time
idayu - 2 kids, her hubby is bapaks' special electrical assistant
awin - l.o.s.t
fizah - 2 kids, my blurry PR manager

*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#


name: alin aka kuting aka lelen
years known: 23 years

she's been a companion. full stop!

to those that are not named, u're always on my mind. the thought that matters, right?

luv u..

ym chat - ida, iz, anne

ida: ko bila habis belajar iz? ko belajar sama dengan ija?

iz: tak. aku kat kota selangar. dia kat melakau aku rasa

ida: ko belajar apa sekarang?

iz: ala.. biasa2 je. corporate admin (i think at this point, her hidung is kembang2 oledi)

ida: wah! bestlah corprate admin. anne... awat diam? ko further tak?

myself: a'ah. tengah further jugak ni

iz: ko further lagi anne? aku tak tau pun?

myself: ala. biasa2 je jugak

ida: ko amik apa anne?

myself: domestic engineering (nak kembangkan jugak idung pesek ni)

ida: wah! lagi dasat! apa jauh sangat anne? dari securiti bilik bos sampai ke engineering?

myself: ala.. biasa je. dulu aku memang budak engineering. tersasar jadik sekuriti bilik bos

ida: la.. ye ke? bagus la ko....

iz: apa yg ko belajar anne? (ni mesti dengki la ni. tak puas hati la ni..)

myself: ala.. biasa2 la... angkat kain, basuh kain, lipat kain, sapu sampah, buat susu anak. biasalah kan

iz: ceh.. lahanat ko anne!!!

ida: hantu ko! beriya la aku ingatkan iya ko amik engineering

myself: loh... aku ingat korang dah tau (aku memang tau korang mesti tak tau punya...)


i love my friends...

note: to those who have received my seasons greetings cards, i hope u like it. i had so many of those on my table. sampai menyampah mau tengok.. but u have to admit the card was pretty kan? hehehehe

confessions of a shopaholic

kut got me the first book of shopaholic's collection - thanks dear. i started reading yesterday and today i stopped on chapter 6.

to tell the truth, i feel like reading my own diary. i feel like sophie is telling me "yes.. i'm writing about u, urself and all u". gosh!

since working in the shopping-mall-office-tower, i couldn't stop buying things. there's always things go buy, every single day indeed. and there's always tag says "SALE". and worst still "70% discount" or "clearance. all must out".

i started out with hallmarks for adam. then i moved to mothercare. and now i'm often in marks & spencer. o-la-la..

1st month working, i got myself 2 pairs of elle's shoes. then i got myself a handbag from M&S. then i bought myself a jumper from mothercare that cost me capital two with double zero and thirty percent discount tag. not forgetting braun buffel's handbags, before i'm off to M&S lingerie. and today i bought myself a M&S pyjama - with discount tag, of course.

uik.. all for myself ka?

i tried to scale down my purchases. don't go out for lunch. go for gym instead. but yet... the entrance to all the bargain areas are always calling up my name. with credit cards' amount mounting up, i've told myself to STOP. but still.......

should i carry on reading this book or should i just tell kut i knew the ending already? becky will marry a good guy whom not so fond of throwing out his money for unnecessary (except for some IT gadgets) things. then she will be asked to list down all her expenses. and her husband will tell her to stop spending because her expenses are now over her monthly salary.

harharhar

looking back

selamat hari raya aidiladha & happy new year!!

alhamdulillah. things got over smoothly. despite some hickups, my new year is celebrated mmm.. rationally. things changed. for example: my handphone. yup. i got myself another new phone. well.. actually made got me another phone. i insist on having a digital camera actually. but my darling suggested sony ericsson K800i instead. his reason is quite accommodating - i wont be bringing my camera here there, anywhere. but my dear handphone will always be with me. true enough, isn't it? so here with me, my new hello-hello gadget. and my darling got himself a new hp also la.. sony ericsson M600i sommo.. cannot put it aside i pressume. he even list in the "tasks" for going for a short trip to the kedai runcit. he's more freaking than i am.. kan? hahahah

so many things happened to me in year 2006.

one of those, 24hours runaway from my previous job that made me jobless for a month. i cant call that stupid tho. can i call it dignity? ahahha.. whatever. i got a new job. new things learned. new friends. new environment. i'm now a shopaholic in rehab. that's the worst thing happened to me.

enrolled myself into gym recently. had to put off the pressure to my feet. have to! have to!

tok usu left us. so does uwan wa. i cant remember tok usu's age. but uwan wa was about 90 years old. she's the eldest in uwan's siblings. ayah has also left us. that was a shock. the list includes ahsan.

tears turn laughter with new amai. he was born 3 days before ayah passed away. make it the last day i talked to ayah

what else eh.. ma got cancer and now feeling better. mak got transferred to serdang, a very good news indeed. bapak had minor heart attack.

adam is getting cheekier. he has learned a lot of new things, mastered some new skills. and even did a lot of new things on his own. he has started singing twinkle-twinkle little star in his own understandable language. and on his way to learn other theme songs from channel 63.

i'm off to mak's place. will write soon. luv u people!




my dear adam doing his "korban". tokma at the back is doing her best "mengorbankan" adam's hair.

i'm not missing you

Oh, Oh
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over
What else could it be

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life


actually i do miss u..

kenangan terindah

di satu pagi yg hening (read: 2am). ayah yg sedang lena diulit mimpi, dikejutkan anak manjanya.

anak: ayah.... nak sholat
ayah: apa dia?
anak: nak sholat
ayah: aaa... tunggu kejap..

ayah bingkas bangkit dari peraduannya. bergerak ke dalam bilik utama, lantas mencapai kain sejadah di ampaian kain. lalu penuh kasih sayang ayah menbentangkannya di lantai untuk anak yg tercinta sambil di hatinya mengucapkan syukur ke hadrat Ilahi..

anak: ayah.. bukan nak sembahyang la. adam nak sholat
ayah: aaa?? apa dia?
anak: adam nak sholat
ayah: oooooo.. kejap

seraya itu, berlalulah ayah ke peti ais untuk mengambil sekotak sholat cadbury untuk anakandanya yg tercinta..

i'm all alone

alone in the room
i'm hoping for someone would ask me what had happened?
but instead, i got a query "what turn u up? makcik told me u're angry at her?"
listening to that makcik is more important than listening to somebody living with u
i pressume...

alone with mix feeling
i'm hoping for somebody to hold me firmly and assure that everything will be alrite
but instead, it was mak who kept asking me what had happened?
assuming...
being in her womb for 9 months could lead her to predict something went wrong

alone with myself
i'm hoping somebody would want to spare a little minute to put me into comfortable zone
but instead, all i heard was snore that last for hours
recovering the sleep over the football game that morning is far important than being a shoulder to cry
i'd say...

i feel thankful that my boss could spend some of his busy time to listen to me
i feel blessed to have friends whom would travel just to be by my side
i feel relieved to have buddies who have time reading my ym, googletalk & emails
i feel even better when mak showed me her concern

i'm hoping for somebody that would lend me some minutes of his precious time
i'm hoping for somebody that would share this tears
i'm hoping for somebody that would comfort me and assure me that e'thing would be ok
i'm hoping for somebody that would be there when i need them

i guess it's just too much to ask...

bad girl

off late, i asik teringat uwan, atuk & ayah. and this morning i dreamt about ayah

maybe i miss them so much
or
maybe i've been carried away with my day-to-day thingy and i havent spend time reciting yasin for them

i think the latter suits me better

i'm bad!

my daling... i wrote a letter for u

kehadapan suamiku yg dicintai,

aku amat menyayangimu seluruh hatiku
cintaku ini bagai tiada tandingannya
kasihku ini tiada tolok gantinya
sayangku ini tiada galang pemisah

luhur cintaku sesuci cinta taj mahal
lahar kasihku umpama api yg marak membakar
salju sayangku umpama embun pagi

tiada lebih yang ku pinta..

hanyalah tulus kasihmu
hanyalah ikhlas cintamu
hanyalah utuh sayangmu
dan
hanyalah approval untuk membeli kain di euro moda untuk membuat baju dinner ku..


ps: tak mahal yang..... rm475.95 sen je.. ::wink:: ::wink::

gambar ehsan: laman web

quality time?

a friend emailed me her prob with her son - standard 2. first in the sibling. didn't finished his homework given by the teacher. didn't submit his artwork for his exam. now: mother giving some more chance for the boy to improve . will he? time will tell.. "bringing up a kid is not an easy matter" - her mother said. which i think true. so true. sebab itu gulai mak lagi sedap dari gulai kita... got what i mean? org tua makan garam lebih - garam - gulai.. got what i mean? ha...

then, during my breakfast yesterday, a friend came and told me about his son. 2 years younger than me. first in the sibling. frequently change job. now: father don't know what to do. he told me that he has done all the talking. all he could to make the child realize about his future. but still, the son hasn't changed. he also doesnt know what he has done wrong. all the other daughters are all OK. but what happen to this one?

i personally recall what bapak told me earlier. the quality time between parents & children. the time that father & mother spend with their kids. personally, i dont have all the time with my bapak & mak. mak sibuk kerja. bapak also. but still, they will come back on time. they will come back during lunch break on friday - maybe to make sure we dont ponteng sekolah. duh.. why didnt i think about it earlier eh.. but indeed, they were there. they will bring us jalan2. if in the morning kena marah, petang boleh pegi ampang park. a way to pujuk us up. i remember bapak was garang. we all kena pukul. cubit. itu mesti. and for this, i envy my little sister. michelin di badannya jarang sekali (can i say none?) dikenakan cubitan manja bapakku yg garang itu. yelah.. dia budak yg baik. ceh.. konon.. hahaha. but i think akut got all the privilege because bapak has moved into his maturity stage. number of his age has changed. so selamatla ko kuttttt.. and myself is now like bapak in his early parenthood. my mood masih main jongkang jongket. hence adam will kena some times..

myself working. so does my husband. thus adam has to be sent to a baby sitter. i realize i spend more time facing my computer than facing my adorable adam. and that's the reason why i punch out on time. the answer to why i wanted to fetch adam the soonest possible. i'm bound to work for 8 hours. 24 minus 8 would be 16. 8 hours sleeping, left me with another 8 hours. and the precious 8 hours sometimes flies in split second. adam with his toys. me with houseworks. and sometimes 1 or 2 hours for good axn series. could there any quality time with adam? i reckon.. i really dont know if adam had some quality time with me. and i dont know if i've given enuff to adam.

i believe guiding the kids should be a responsible held by both mother and father. the parents in actual term. tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi. kalau tepuk beramai2 barulah meriah bunyinya. kids need peers. need somebody to hold the hand and walk with them. together. along the way. they need somebody to rely on. to talk to. to say yes and no to what they are doing. to tell them what to do and open options for them to choose. not a dictator. quoted from a friend "bukan mengarah, tapi mengajak. bukan menyuruh, tapi menjemput".

sometimes thinking about adam, i have some butterflies flying freely in my stomach. adam's world would be totally different from ours, the parents. my hubby was raised differently from myself. and so different from me. later, would adam be as good as his father and ehem.. the mother? would adam adhere to the do's and dont's? would adam this? would adam that? we are compelled to change as time ticking.

the cheeky guy - in the middle

isnt adam adorable? hehehe.. this pic was taken by julie last saturday. i wish i could hilite more of adam rather than the dome. hehehehe..

hari raya hari mulia

hari raya jugak adalah hari untuk ziarah menziarahi tanpa mengira pukul berapa pun.. hehehe.. this raya seems to be quite mm... what should be the right word eh.. mmm.. BEST barangkali? well, last year was also BEST. next year i hope for another BEST raya. ala... tiap2 tahun pun
BEST la. mana ada raya yg tak BEST kan? :)

though my boss is away for his overseas trip, my hands are fully tight. next tuesday, my office will host a Hari Raya - Deepavali gathering. pergh.. mesti mak tak menang tangan nyahhhh... i wish i have more hands.. the management people la.. i've given them the name list earlier. and they waited till the last minute. isshh.. sabo jela

last thursday i joined my other 2 colleagues for a hotel inspection - sunway resort. i thought after lunch, we would be heading back to the office. rupanya baru nak pegi tengok bilik. adehai.. dan ku pikirkan sunway ni kecik. rupanya besar yg amat. from resort to villa, to tower, to theme rooms. penat seh. dahlah pakai kasut tumit. reached office at about 4:40pm. rilex buat keje sket, baru balik.. barulah nampak cam pekerja berdedikasi kan? heheh . head home and fetch the 2As - adam & amai. that night tahir's clan are coming. nasib baik i pandai buat "satay segera". up to 12 night. all the dirty dishes che nani dah tolong cuci. tima kasihhhh...

friday still hectic at work. al maklum la.. tak last minit tak gempak katanya. cehhh.. i spent whole day making phone calls with few things to think at one time. and the very 1st time, i spent my 2 hours lunch break in the office. macam tak caya je.. malam pulak mastika & family mari beraya. dirty dishes are all in the sink - kononnya nak basuh besoklah...

saturday i bangun lambat. rasa sangatlah mengantuk. had my shower, then i took sophie kinsella's "can u keep a secret?". there goes my saturday. the book was marvellous. i've never spent a day reading one bulky book. penahlah habis but those are malay books. normally i'd spent 2 days for an english book. this one keep me hooked up. solat asar pun menjelang maghrib. punyalah kusyuk. and for the same reason, i was late for nurul's wedding. well.. not quite late if i may say. at the time of arriving, nurul was not there yet. and some other people are later than me. so i'd consider myself early but later than those people who got there earlier than me. hahaha.

today sherry, ijan & their families are coming over. wasih, diana, lelek, kak nah are also coming. bestnya.. sherry will be cooking the main dish. macam open house dia pulak kan? hehehe..

this year, my hubby was telling me "NO OPEN HOUSE", but if i were to invite my friends over, it's most welcome. last year we had a very grand open house. ramai sungguh org datang. and we could barely spend time with most of the friends. so this year, my hubby kata, lets spend more time with our friends. call them up. cook some dishes. and that's our open house this year. so sapa2 mau datang ke rumah, jemputlah ye.. i'll do some cooking. but please.. do not expect any lemang or rendang or local dishes. still learning.

so.. spaghetti anyone?

he he he

lama dah tak update ini blog... nak kata sibuk, tak jugak. nak kata banyak keje, pun tak jugak. nak kata lupa kat dunia blog, pun tidak jugak. time nak update, time tu la idea tak de. time tanak update, ada je lampu mentol menyala.

first and foremost, selamat hari raya. maaf zahir & batin.

this raya, kami di krai. ma dah balik awal ngan kak ti who then had to go back to PD. menyusul abe cha with kak na. patutnya abe chik sampai dulu. tapi nina sakit pewot, kami yg tiba awal. barulah dema. berjangkit rupanya sakit pewot ni. itu hari adam. muntah2 for several days. i dah cuak. takutlah2 kalo ada menda yg tak sepatutnya terjadi kan.. alhamdulillah, after few days, adam recovered. tapi jerih jugaklah nak tengok dia recovered pun.

back to raya. then kak ti balik and lastly abe ajih sampai. raya in krai was quite ok (kalo tak pasal kena ambush bendera jepun di pagi raya la.. huhuuuu). cuma perasaan lain sikitlah. ayah dah tak de. takde org tukang kerah bangun pagi raya. ada yg bising pun kak sah je. org datang raya pun a bit kelam kabut. selalunya ayah dah pegi umah nebers sume, then dia balik, dia akan suh sumer org kuar beraya. and dia jaga umah. org yg datang akan beraya dengan dia la. this year, sumer anak lelaki kuar. tinggalla menantu pompuan yg kurang kenal org kampung. setakat kak chik & kak ja ok lah. ramai dah org derang kenal. menantu sorang ni? hampehhhhh.. dahlah cakap pun fel, nak paham org cakap lagilah fel... kena makan budu banyak lagi ni...

balik hari jumaat. hari sabtu punyalah bercita2 tinggi nak jalan2 umah moktehlah, umah moksu la, umah mak lang la, umah kubba la, umah kak nurul la, umah kufee la.. eleh.. konon je.. sampainya 2 umah je. umah moksu & mokteh. itu pun dah kira baiklah tu.. hahahaha.. tula. sapa suh mak buat roti jala kan...

what else eh? tadi banyak idea. dah on ym, sembang2 sudah lupa sumer idea.. mentol pun dah malap je.. adam pun sudah bangun..

last nite pegi hantar mak ke kl sentral. on the way back, i sembang2lah ngan bapak. on air tengah berita. and one of the topics was on budak sekolah yg join mat rempit akan kemungkinan dibuang sekolah. bapak disagreed. he blamed the parents - which actually oppose my opinion. his reason was: parents yg tak carik quality time with the children. carik duit banyak2 sampai tak tau nak buat apa dengan duit tu. macam duit boleh bawak ke kubur. kuar keje sebelum anak celik mata. balik keje time anak dah pejam mata. bila masa nak dapat quality time dengan anak? nak sebut 3 words kat anak pun susah. macam manalah anak tak terikut peers yg bukan2.

in one sense... betul jugak apa dia kata. quality time. masa untuk parents & anak2. deep in me, i still blame oneself. but come to think of it.. betul la kata bapak.... macam mana oneself nak fikir kalo dia tak de peers yg betul2 guide dia. kan?

zaman la tak sama dengan zaman dulu. dulu mak kata A, A la dia. la ni, mak kata A, Z jadiknya. kata mak pak dibuat main. kata kawan2 didulukan. my time, i was in the middle. antara kawan & parents. i lebih rapat ngan my friends. but i fear my parents the most. nak2 bapaklah.. baru berdehem dah rasa nak terkucil. belum dia kata apa2 lagi.. hahahaha.. anak2 skang patut rasa beruntung. nak kasut nike, dibeli nike. kalo dulu, mintak adidas, dapat abibas. haruuuuu

time flies, years gone, and many more to come
things changed
country developed
standard of living increased
but oneself keep searching for an identity
mistaken sometimes...

manusia makin kurang didikan
pelajaran dialpakan
didikan dilalaikan
agama ditinggalkan
bangsa disorakkan
adat resam dilupakan
ke mana arah tuju? kemanakah haluan?
di manakah nanti anak cucu cicit kita?
masih mampukah berpijak di tanah yg nyata?
atau hanya bermundar mandir mencari cacing, mencari umpan di tanah org
atau mungkin hanya menumpang hangat dan dingin di kaki penjajah

bisakah mereka nanti berdiri megah?
insya Allah

3 years ago, this date

i was busy clearing up things. preparing for the big day of my life. relatives & friends came all over. and it was the same day as olya's - my same aged neighbour. in the morning, alin had her khatam quran. (did u really finished it ah? hehehhe)... and i was the mic "holder". poor thing.. hukum Allah tiba pada masa itulah jua.. uwan and the troop led the marhaban and things. so lovely.. masih terngiang2 sora lantang uwan.. for uwan, the whole troop decided to budge in. and along had to call for more cars to fetch them up. nasib baiklah kat kg pandan je.

by 12, things over. makan2. and rilex2. some who didnt really read the card, came in with question mark. why got khemah but got no perantin meh? got perantin, but perantin sanding malam ma....

so by 3++ tukang mekap datang and start to do her magical thingy. to change this poor lovely shrek to marvelous looking lady. heheheh.. done with it, then came along the puak2 kola krai. berdebar wehh.. brought down by nisha and witnessed the pahlawan melayu melafazkan akujanji before the pak imam, wali & pengesah2. amin. sekali lafaz aja. from that very moment, the new era of my life has begun.

salam. peluk. cium. nangis. gelak. congratulations. amin.

another event waiting. had to rush up and do another magical thingy. this time has to look extra marvelous than before. ha amik ko.. so lucky i had mak long intan to look at the baju sanding. rupanya the tukang baju didnt do the alteration. tak muat mek nak pakai. yada yada yada.

pak pong. pak pong. pak pong. tangan tukar tangan. jalan pelan2. kipas2. air mawar. daun2. lap tangan. salam. settle.. makan time. ingat boleh makan ke? tak de nyeeeeeee.. so for those yg nak makan beradap tu, kalo ada gastrik, nasihat i, makanlah awal2. hehehe..

things over by 11+. giler punya penat. tido. tido aje tau. ingat perantin tak de keje lain ke? harharhar

next week in kola krai.

ayah woke us up at about 5 am. too soon to realize that i was then waiting for rombongan dari kl at the side of the road. perghhh.. pagi2 kena tido tepi jalan tunggu bas. saba sungguh..

majlis menyambut menantu was pretty easy i guess. kompang pun takde. jalan ramai2. payung pun payung golf je. hahahahha. makan2. that's it. kena tinggal dek bapak & mak. huhu.. sedehhhh..

that's it la. all those happened 3 years ago. still fresh on my mind. how my pasangan lelaki got no pengapit. and the pengapit had to pinjam baju nikah my pasangan lelaki. duhhh..

but best thing was being so glamor la kan. asik amik gamba je. sampai senyum senget2. i think that's the thing that i enjoyed most la.

to my dearie muhammad ramadhan muhammad tahir, happy 3rd anniversary! love u before, love u now and will always love u. insya Allah.


i lupa tanya la.. u malaysian citizen ke? got ic or not?


ala cayang2 bucuk2. makanlah. i tau u lapa punya...


from krai with love (with bapak interframed)

ma (II)

gastrointestinal stromal tumors - "GISTs" is a rare kind of cancer. and that's what doc said about ma. yesterday they pushed ma to OT to have sample. but upon returned to ward, ma was still bleeding. docs were in and out. one in, then came another one. one out, two in. one running to nurse counter, the another one came rushing. and ma was on her way back to OT.

abe cha sms late nite saying ma's wound couldnt be stitched. and they had to glue it (well i dont know. glue seems not to be the rite word..) and ma had to be sedated and placed in ICU.

this morning mak called from penang. bp ma low, still sedated and on ventilator.

now che made is in HKL. waiting for news. and i'm here waiting for his call.

please pray for ma...

surat untuk uwan

assalamualaikum uwan,

kita tulis lagi ni. uwan apa kabo? sorrylah uwan. minggu ni kita cuti. kita tak dapat nak kasik uwan hadiah malam semalam. sorry ye..

apa kita nak update uwan eh.. ayah baru meninggal. dah masuk sebulan la. heart attack. kita tak sempat jumpa ayah. ntahlah uwan. nak kata ralat tak jugak. pikirkan ayah pegi senang aje, senang jugak ati ni rasanya. tapi mungkin sebab kita tak dapat manja ngan ayah lagi kan.. kita rasa sedih jugak uwan.. ayah kan uwan.. dia kalo cakap ngan kita suara dia gelak2. tapi bila dia lafaz "assalamualaikum" serius uwan.. macam kita dengar ucapan YB2 tu la.. hehehe.. alamak.. kita dah start rindu ayah. ye la uwan.. dah sebulan ni, terasa jugak kehilangan ayah. macam uwan jugaklah.. bila dah duk sorang2 mula la layan perasaan.

ma pun skang tak berapa sihat. ma still kat hospital. doc nak wat biopsy. biopsy apa? ntah.. kita nak cite ngan uwan pun kita tak tau. hahaha.. doc kata ma ada GISTs. adik beradik cancer jugalah uwan. cumanya cancer ma ni, jarang2 org dapat. sekarang macam2 uwan..

hari rabu lepas tok usu meninggal. bapak talipon. kita balik ngan made je. mak uteh & pak uda tak de. tak dapat datang. kita jumpala ramai sedara. tapi kan uwan.. banyak yg kita tak tau nama. malu kita. kalo uwan ada, mesti kita dah nempek tepi uwan. dapat tangkap satu nama pun jadiklah.. maklong yati pun tak ingat kita uwan.. sedihnya...

kita tengok sumer org kat situ, kita terkenang kat uwan. kalo uwan ada mesti uwan pun sibuk sama kan? time kita datang org tengah potong daun pandan. kita sempatlah jengah tok usu kat atas umah. maklong yati peluk tok usu kuat. sampai kena tegur ngan pakcik kat situ. poksu mami tanak cium tok usu. dia asik nangis je. opah usu lagilah uwan.. cite ngan kita pun asik mengalir je air mata. opah usu je yg ngadap tok usu. alhamdulillah opah usu kata tok usu dapat mengucap beberapa kali.

hari ni pulak kita dapat berita 2 org meninggal lagi uwan.. ma punya akak ipar dengan lecturer kita kat itm. akak ma tu memang sakit tua. lecturer kita tu dia kena breast cancer. cancer lagi uwan kan? ntahla..

time kat tanjung malim tu sempatlah jugak jumpa faizah. dia dah dapat baby. mohd noor hidayat. itulah nama, itulah panggilnya. berbelit lidah nak panggil. hehehe

nek mah jemput ke umah dia minggu depan. anak cik nani kawin. cik nani tu yg mana pun kita tak kenal uwan. nek mah datang umah jemput sendiri. kita cam segan pulak kalo kita tak pegi kan uwan..

nole pun dah kawin wan. minggu lepas. tapi kita tak stay sampai hari kat umah maklong. kita gi umah lia je. kita ada jemputan lain hari ahad tu. berhabislah maklong bela umahlah itulah inilah. amirul jadi tukang buat pelamin. cantik uwan.... kaler hijau lagi. maklong cium kita banyak kali. ntah kenapa ntah.. asal nampak muka kita dia salam. dia cium. peh tu dia nangis. tak taulah napa uwan. agaknya dia rindu kita kotnye kan? hehehe..

bulan ramadhan dah dekat uwan. kita tak dapat lagi rasa kuih uwan. dah 3 tahun kita tak makan sambal bilis uwan. kita buat sendiri tak sedap. bahulu jangan kata la.. memang kita fel. bila kita mengadap roti jala, kita tak boleh nak makan. kita terkenang roti jala yg uwan selalu buat untuk kita. roti jala diaorang ni lain uwan. tak sesedap air tangan uwan.

uwan.. kita rindu uwan. kita rindu nak peluk uwan. kita rindu nak gurau2, tolak2 uwan. bila kita tengok wan chik, kita teringat uwan. tengok opah usu, kita ingat uwan. sampaikan maklong (paklong shukur) pun ada cakap kat kita, "uwan kamu tak ada susah aku nak kenal kalian". betul uwan. selalunya apa2 berita semuanya daripada uwan. org meninggal, org kawin, org sakit. sumenya uwan yg kasitau. sumenya uwan yg talipon. skang ni apa2 berita pun, kami dapat lambatlah.. kadang2 tak tau berita apa2 langsung. sedih pun ada.. malu pun ada jugak uwan...

air mata ni sama lebat dengan ujan kat luar tu uwan. kita tak patut nangis kan? kita patut sedekahkan al-fatihah kat uwan. tapi kita rindu sangat2 kat uwan. rindu yg amat sangat.. kita nak peluk uwan. nak peluk uwan kuat2. nak cium uwan banyak2. tapi kita tak ada uwan. kita ada gambar uwan je. kita ada kenangan ngan uwan je...

oklah uwan. nanti kita tulis lagi. dah tak nampak skrin dah. berkabur je cemin mata ni pun. nanti kita tulis lagi ye uwan. jaga diri baik2. ingat ye.. kita sayang uwan. sampai bila2 pun kita sayang uwan...

this week

yesterday was my daling's birthday. donno what to get him. so i bought him a pic frame. i wanted to place a pic of myself & adam. but till the end, i couldnt find an interesting one. and i think he likes it. that's why he just put the card & the frame on the table. hahahaha.. put it somewhere la yayang.. cam tak appreciate i beli je tauuuuu

sherry (+ baby in the tummy), abg mirul, iskandar, bapak & big joe dropped by for dinner yesterday. nasik, tomyam & telur - the normal menu. my daling teman ma kat HKL. lucky me adam tak buat hal sangat. adala sikit cranky tengah malam tu, tapi things under control. sedar2 je my daling dah balik. and it was 5:30am. huh...

i received a text from akut last nite. i was pretty worried for her non-reply. and i pity her boyfriend for that reason. hehe.. hope things settled already :)

tomorrow we'll be in segamat for my cousin's wedding. then on sunday we'll be going to johan's wedding. first time i'm invited for a wedding ceremony that only last for 2 hours. starts at 12 and finishes at 2. pelik... we'll head to great eastern mall for bob the builder apperance. then petang sikit lagi head to abg cha's place for su-na's engagement ceremony.

perghh.. penatnya bulan kemerdekaan ni. asik berjalan je... end of the month balik kelantan. jalan lagi.. huhuhu...

trust

according to webster's new world pocket dictionary 3rd edition, trust means belief in the honesty, reliability. and simple word: believe

at the time or typing/writing, i've lost my trust on my neighbour, ms r.

i know there's time when u dont feel like going to work and u start to crample in ur bed trying to figure out a reason to have an mc. myself also like that. but not to the extend bohong sunat jadik bohong tak menjadik la kan.

1st incident, she took mc for 2 days. the first day, another colleague of mine met her loitering around in klcc. that's stupid thing to do la kan. u know u're on medical leave, nak loiter pun cariklah tempat yg jauh daripada office. apara.. that's one thing..

then came this incident. one wednesday morning, she text'ed me "i EL. kena balik ipoh. ayah panggil balik. family matters".

and i went "what????!!!! on wednesday? oh.. the father maybe jatuh sakit. or maybe it's really urgent matter. life vs death. fine" and at the same time, i had thinking like "takanlah ayah dia tak pikir anak dia keje. nak panggil balik pun hari rabu. tengah2 minggu. travel lagi apa lagi. then sabtu nak balik lagi sekali.." u know.. dolu2 kala yes la. some parents just dont care what the kids are doing. when-i-say-come-back-u-have-to-come-back thingy.. but nowadays parents are more tolerable. rite?

so the next morning, i asked her what had happened. she didnt opened her mouth but for "it's a family matters thingy la kak". ok.. fine.... fine with me.. but that's not until i saw in her diary "CHENTA'S birthday". hampeh minah ni.. nak celebrate birthday loved one pun sampai nak menipu. so that started the budak-ni-tak-boleh-percaya feeling.

that incident happened last week. the same weekend, she went home to ipoh. she said to continue the "family matters" incident. and monday she was on leave. tuesday, when i walked in, she was looking sick.

"kenapa ni?"
"ntahlah. rasa tak sihatlah... nak pegi klinik sat ye"

off she went. came back with some medications, which i dont know she took it or not. she told me she was having gastritis. buttttttttt... she could do photocopying thingy for more than 10 minutes. she could sit at the place until the end of the day. whooaaaaa.. if i were to have gastritis, i couldnt even sit up straight. what more with standing... but then again, an angel side of me were thinking, she mite have eaten her medication and recovered.

and this morning, i received a text read as "i'm on mc today. fever & gastric pain".. that's it la. confirmed she's not in my trustworthy person's list. me too have gastritis. but once u've taken the medication, had the burp, troot, prot or whatever the sounds like, it's gone. should be ok. should be fine. ini memang dah maleh nak keje la ni.. and worst thing still, i have to back her up. bloerghhh

tak pe.. tak pe... aiman tak kisahhhhh

taxi drivers

i've had flying colours experience with taxi drivers lately.

taxi 1, malay
situation: visit che nani & ammar

taxi driver: saya selalu pesan sama anak2 saya jangan lawan balik kalo ada org kacau. biarkan saja org buat kita. jangan kita buat org. saya cukup risau dengan budak2 sekolah zaman sekarang ni. takut saya kalau anak2 saya nanti org tunggu tepi jalan, kena buli, kena belasah. takut saya.... mintak dijauhkan la.

myself: tula.. budak sekarang budak dulu lain...

moral of the story: jaga anak kita baik2

*****

taxi 2, indian

situation: back from visiting che nani & ammar

taxi driver: saya sudah biasa bawak laju la kakak. lagi satu ini meter pun sudah biasa kakak. itu hari saya bawak isteri saya pegi shopping saya pigi tekan ini meter sampai bini saya cakap "sama bini pun mau pasang meter ka?" ayo.. susahlah kakak. saya sudah biasa, org naik teksi, saya tekan ini meter

myself: hahaha.. apa macam la u.. isteri pun u mau charge

moral of the story: practice make perfect

*****

taxi 3, malay, talking london

situation: visit ma

taxi driver: u working in klcc? i built klcc. but until now i'm not in klcc. u work for oil & gas company? i have an offer working in refinery plant. i built the refinery plant in melaka. u know this guy? (showed me a business card... macamlah aku kenal serata org dalam donia ni kan..) i still dont know if i want to work with him

myself: i want to go to the main building ya?

taxi driver: i dont know where's the main building

myself: ok. it's further up. here's the neuro dept. where the mental illnesses people are here.. heheh

taxi driver: yes. i was here before.

myself (dalam hati): ya Allah ya tuhanku, selamatkanlah hambaMu ini.......

moral of the story: berhati2 ketika memilih taxi

*****

taxi 4, malay

situation: balik visit ma

taxi driver: (all the way to klcc, silent saja... tenang rasa) nak turun di mana ya?

myself: di menara 2

taxi driver: di sana ya? (sambil menunjuk ke arah menara 2 menggunakan ibu jarinya)

myself: ya. terima kasih

moral of the story: budi bahasa budaya kita

*****

taxi 5, chinese

situation: visit ma

myself: uncle mau ikut jalan mana?

taxi driver: jalan tun razak

- silent. but along the way but i had to listen to an interview between these 2 ladies in mandarin. *sigh* -

moral of the story: learn other languanges.

*****

taxi 6, malay, indonesian

situation: back from visiting ma

taxi driver: kerja di sini ka?

myself: tak. lawat mak mertua

taxi driver: alah.. kalau setakat sakit lutut, kurang air di lutut tu tak payahlah bawa ke hospital. ubati sajalah di rumah. (then baru dia nak tanya:) sakit apa ibunya?

myself: tak pasti lagi. tapi katanya cancer

taxi driver: subhanallah.. itulah. jangan salahkan org lain. salahkan kerajaan. air yg kita minum tu bukannya bersih. saya ke ulu yam kalau mau mengambil air. tapi sekarang sudah ramai org. yada yada yada.. org kita ya bukannya tak ada kerja. tapi malas. saya ni, buat 2 kerja. saya bawa bas rapid kl dan saya bawa teksi. janji ada keringat. jalanla kerjanya. yada yada yada... manusia ni tak pernah cukup. macam di kampung saya ya, ada 1 emas tanah, mau 2 emas. ada 2 emas mau 3 emas. tidak pernah cukup. tunggulah nanti dia di liang lahad barulah cukup dirinya mungkin. pakcik saya seorang ya alim, kuat agama ya. dia kalau anak2nya tidak sembahyang dia hanya kata "mau mati atau mau hidup". cakapnya tidak banyak. tapi ya.. buat insaf. maaf ya. saya ini joyah sedikit. gurau2 tak apa ya..

myself: tak apa. terima kasih banyak2

moral of the story: i-n-s-a-f

those are the times i spent with taxi drivers within these 2 months. beautiful characters within human beings... indah sungguh ciptaan Ya Maha Esa..

ma

ma's case has been transferred to HKL. alhamdulillah. the least that my family & i could do the get rid the riddles of what's wrong with ma's health condition.

last monday i went to visit ma with adam & bapak. since i was so sleepy, i had to drag bapak along. nanti i bawak keta hoyong hayang pulak. sampai je wad 14 i saw somebody who looks just like ayah. dengan baju batik feveret ayah. cemin mata besar. pakai kopiah. height. body structure. memang sebijik ayah. berdegup kejap jantung ni.

"rasanya adik beradik ayah dah takde semuanya" - myself talking.
"dia dah nak pindah bilik ni", he showed the room infront of him
"aaaa.. tima kasih"

i rushed into ma's room.

"kak na, sapa tu?"
"makcik depan ni punya husband"
"oh! sebijik ayah....."

hehehehehe.. gelabah je i ni.

it has been a week now. after ding-dong here and there, ma finally got the attention. ma sakit about the same time ngan ayah. asik sakit perut. peh tu macam kena diarrhea. like ayah, ma also has been up and down hospital krai & kb. for about a year, still they cant conclude ma sakit apa.

yesterday che made brought home a news. ma probably a big "C" patient. tears run fast as i recited yassin. besarnya dugaan Allah swt.

rasa macam baru semalam ma pegang pipi i
rasa macam baru semalam makan sambal yg ma buatkan
rasa macam baru semalam ma jamu mee maggi dengan air milo
rasa macam baru semalam ma bersembang dengan i
rasa macam baru semalam ayah pegi tinggalkan kami

and today i have to embrace dugaan Allah once again.....

i doakan ma sihat
i doakan selamat segalanya
i doakan kesejahteraan ma

amin....

*kadang2 kita tak sedar kehadirannya sampailah tiba kehilangannya*

dangdut is the music of my country

lawak sehhhhhh

dangdut is the music of my country

sorry la.. i tried to embed the video clip here but then failed. click on the above link & selamat terhibur ya!!!

oh cik siti!!!

nak kawin tu kawin jela.... janganlah nak tutup jalan la apa la.. bikin susah la.... gua pegi mau keje pun susah, balik keje pun susah la....

kawin jela kat stadium bukit jalil ke stadium merdeka ke stadium negara ke.. kan ke lagi senang.... dewan pun besar. nak berdiri, nak duduk, nak berlunjur? ha.. sume boleh.. jangan kata keta kuda, nak bawak keta kebal pun bole..

dduuuuhhhhhhhh.......

ni bukan nak bersederhana lagi dah ni.. melampau (+ menyusahkan) yg sebenarnya ni.....

i wish...

rainy day. both me and che made woke up early. and we went out quite early this morning. i was in my car at 7.04 am....

an incident happened...

for this kancil bearing plate no WNT 5185,
if i were to nominate an idiot of the day, i'd name u as the "the best moron", stupid asshole!

*****

my tear dropped..
for the patience i've been losing,
for the honk i made this morning,
for the stupid car i've been cursing..

how i admire some special people
people like my deary husband
that would stay calm when i start panicking
that would prefer funny good things than bad saying

i wish.....
i have more patience

amin

ayah

kak sah called. katanya ayah sakit. dia suh balik. to both me and che made, kak sah ni kadang2 exaggerating sikit. so when she said ayah sakit, for us, oklah... ayah sakit. macam sakit2 biasa. ayah memang selalu sakit for the past few months. even for the past 1 year, ayah tak jejak dah kl. kalo nak jalan jauh pun setakat kemaman saja. no more kl. che made decided not to go back yet. at least org tu pegi, org ni balik. so that umah ayah sentiasa ada yg menunggu.

jumaat petang ayah mintak dihantarkan ke hospital krai. tak larat katanya. menurut kata, ayah stabil. cuma blood pressure ayah rendah. che made changed his mind. dia nak balik ngan kak ti. and abe chik called kata nak balik sekali.

pagi sabtu, baliklah kak ti, hannah & che made ke krai. abe chik & qistina balik ngan abe nan petang sikit. i felt a bit semacam... yelah, since sume cucu tok ayah balik, i think adam should go also. so i told che made, if need be, i'll be there with adam naik flite. lepas hantar che made di muka pintu, i masuk kitchen. tengah basuh tangan, i bau kemenyan. ah sudah.. apa pulak ni. in my mind - ada org nak meninggal ni. i had the same sign with arwah atuk. i lalu depan surau and bau kemenyan. few days after, atuk meninggal. and this time around, it kept me puzzled.

i quickly contacted kak amy and told her that che made & kak ti dah on the way. she asked me why didnt i tag along. i gave reasonable answer. tapi dari suara kak amy, ada yg tak senang. mmm... tak pelah.. petang tu lepas sofi bersihkan umah, i gi isetan. beli baju yg i dah book a day before kat mothercare. then jalan2 sket. while i tengah makan kat secret recipe, che made called. katanya, if i wanna go back, then call abe cha. maybe both me and adam boleh tag along. tapi i leka2 kol abe cha. sampai che made called lagi, barulah i call. dia kat bowling alley. i asked him to purchase 2 flite tickets for both me and my son. so arrangement to go back to krai settled. while che made on the way to krai, we were told ayah was then to be transferred to kb for further action sebab finally doc spotted ayah kena heart attack. che made, kak ti pun sempat jumpa ayah kat atas ambulance tu ajalah..

i gegas gi JJ nak carik bag pulak. che made dah bawak satu bag. and i need a hand luggage bag. in my mind still saying that i wont be there long. that's why i need only a hand luggage & knapsack so that i senang nak jalan ngan adam. sampai JJ, adam dah tido, so sofi kena jaga dalam keta. thanks a lot to sofi. kalo dia tak ada, i tak tau i nak wat camne.. berjujut la i ngan adam gamaknya.

sampai umah, i terus kemas barang. janji ngan bapak suh hantar i kl sentral kul 6.45 sebab flite kul 10.30. and i have to be there at least 2 hours earlier. 6:30 mak sampai ngan bapak. i tengah siap2. adam dah siap dah. bag sumer dah letak tepi. mak got a call from kak ti. then she made few phone calls to transfer ayah to first class ward. my thinking: since ayah dah sakit, kenapa nak bother about bed, carilah specialist.. tapi i tak voice out. i cuma tanya mak, betul ke kak ti nak first class bed? tapi kenapa i tanya mak, i pun tak tau...

we tried to call abe ajih, tak de jawab. call kak amy. dia kata abe ajih kadang2 put phone on silent. kena call banyak2 kali. call lagi. still tak de answer. call pulak wad bendahara. engaged memanjang. i still dalam umah. made called. "yang, u baca la apa2 yg patut". i dah teresak. something going to happen. but i dont want it to happen. at the same time, abe ajih contact balik. dia kata ayah dah tenat. mak gegas kami ke keta. cepat! nanti tertinggal flite. mak nak ikut. mak nak carik tiket, nak ikut sama. dalam keta mak still try to call wad bendahara. line got thru. kejap2 lagi "innalilah".. jatuh sumer air mata. speechless. wajah ayah langsung tak leh i gambarkan. i teresak. adam asik tanya "napa mama?" i call che made. no answer. call lagi. kak ti jawab. "ayah dah tak de na. sabarlah.. tapi tak pe. anak2 saudara ayah, abe ajih sumer ada". urghhh. beratnya.....

mak kata, cancel la tiket tu. balik sekali ngan mak & bapak naik keta. call abe cha. he sounded kusut. i called kak za. she sounds happy. urghh. mesti tak tau berita lagi.. "kak za, ayah dah tak de". kak za nangis tak henti.. i dah tak leh nak kusutkan lagi situation. i cakap mak, tak pelah.. i balik naik flite ngan adam. nanti mak balik ngan bapak naik keta. mak agree.

malam tu balik la i ke krai ngan abe cha, kak za, iman, kak chik & bibik. kak na, kak nah & abe we ada sekali. tapi tak kelihatan atas flite. kak chik & kak za asik menangis. abe cha breakdown dalam erl. sumer org rasa terkilan. i baru je lepas cakap ngan ayah 19hb lepas. pagi lepas che nani bersalin. we were laughing for ammar weighing 4kg. bukan gelakkan apa, tapi sukalah dengar ammar sihat. and 4kg sounds so big la kan... i ingat lagi ayah gelak2. i ingat lagi ayah cakap2 ngan i.....

sampai kb, che made dah tunggu... sayu... terus gerak ke krai. dalam keta, kak chik as first menantu dalam family che made, asik bercite pasal ayah. i menantu bongsu & latest in the family. tak banyak pasal ayah yg i leh kongsi. but then i ingat lagi time ayah first time jumpa i. time ala2 merisiklah. nak balik tu, ma pegang pipi i. senyum je tengok i. ayah pulak peluk i. dalam hati time tu, i ni bukan anak dia lagi. but i feel so glad. he hugged me as i'm already his daughter. i was so touched that time...

tiba krai, i berdebar. abe ajih & abe chik sambut kami. kak ti sambut kami kat tangga umah. i ngan kak chik nangis tak sudah... naik atas, tengok ayah terkujur kaku. abe cha buka penutup muka ayah. i ok lagi. then i mintak kak ti bukak lagi sekali. i dah tak leh tahan. sayu.. sayu sangat2. adam tido, i temankan che made baca yassin. hukum Allah halang i dari sedekahkan yassin buat masa ni. habis baca yassin, i nak tengok ayah dari dekat. i nampak kak chik cium ayah. i nak cium ayah jugak. tapi i takut. tapi i berfikir balik. kalo i tak cium ayah sekarang, i tak leh cium ayah lagi buat selama2nya. i gi dekat. i cium ayah. ayah nampak tenang. terlalu tenang. cam org tido aje. ayah senyum. rasa macam nak suruh ayah bangun. rasa macam nak suruh ayah cakap2. rasa cam nak goyang bahu ayah, suruh ayah bangun dah berbual lagi. tapi hampa. ayah kaku. ayah sejuk. ayah senyum. tapi ayah tak mampu berkata2 lagi...

i masuk tido. besoknya ma baca yassin tepi ayah. lepas baca, ma pegang pipi ayah. mungkin masih berharap sumernya mimpi. ma macam belangkas ngan ayah. mana ayah pegi, situlah ada ma. ma ngan ayah sentiasa bersama. but ma was so strong. dia tak nangis. org lain nangis bagai nak rak, tapi ma tak. ma tenangkan org lain. ma was so calm.

sudah kapan, i cium ayah buat kali terakhir. syahdunya. adam nangis kuat. che made pun nangis. lepas solat, gegas ke kubur. kat krai, sumanya pantas. ayah ke liang lahad pun tak ditunggu anak2nya sampai. nasib baik abe ajih & abe cha laju. sempat sambut ayah ke persemadiannya. sumer sedih. suasana sayu. ma siram kubur ayah. ma hela nafas. ma nangis sikit. barulah nampak air mata ma. cucu2 tok ayah & anak menantu ayah yg ada sedekahkan bekalan untuk ayah. mintak diampunkan dosa2 ayah.

ayah start sakit lepas makan pengat durian. dia muntah on the way nak hantar kawan ma ke kursus haji. "nyawa tak sedap" kata ayah. dari umah ke hospital krai. dari hospital krai ke hospital kb. akhirnya ayah di hospital kb. ayah resah nak terkucil. tiub tu halang nak kucil. ayah minta buka. dah buka, ayah buang air dalam pampers. lepas buang air, ayah mengadu lelah. "leloh pulok doh. tok penoh leloh lagu ni" lepas beberapa kali tarik nafas, ayah hela nafas terakhir. ayah pegi amat mudah. terlalu mudah. itulah akhirnya bagi seorang yg kuat solat macam ayah. org tak putus2 ziarah sebagaimana ayah sewaktu hidupnya. ayah sentiasa pegi melawat org. ayah tak penah lupa call kami anak2nya. ayah call besan2nya. walau sekejap, bagi ayah, jadilah.. daripada tak ada langsung. ayah tak suka putus saudara. ayah carik saudara2nya.
padanlah i asik terbayang2 tarikh 22 july. asik tertanya2 apa nak jadik on 22 july. birthday org ke? ada org kawin ke? ada apa.. rupanya ayah nak pegi....

banyak pengalaman dengan ayah. walaupun hanya 3 tahun i sempat manja ngan ayah, he played big roles in my life. ayah is someone special. dalam terkilan, i rasa bersyukur dengan pemergian ayah. bersyukur dengan masa2 yg i dapat dengan ayah. bersyukur dapat berjumpa dengan org seperti ayah. dalam tegas, ayah baik hati. dalam keras katanya, ayah rasional.

insya Allah, anak2 ayah sudah dididik dengan baik. anak2 ayah patuh dengan tanggungjawab mereka. ayah dah tak ada. tanggungjawab mereka pada ma seorang takan dilepaskan. ma akan ke KL next week. kak ti akan uruskan tanggungjawab ayah. ayah usah risau.

muhammad tahir muhammad
26 March 1936 - 22 July 2006
7:05 pm
acute coronary synorome (instemi) with upper git bleeding
hospital raja perempuan zainab ii, kota bharu

al-fatihah

dengar sini wahai sahabat semua!!!

ehem.. ehem..

1.. 2.. 3...

testing.. testing...

assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera

dengan ini, saya dengan sukacita dan bangganya mengumumkan kehadiran ahli baru dalam family tree kami.

baby boy ini telah selamat dilahirkan pada pukul 12:42 malam. (consider 19 july 2006 la kan?)

yipppppieeeeee!!!

alhamdulillah....



nota kaki:
bukan baby saya ye... ni baby big joe & che nani.

my weak-end

yesterday i took EL and spent a day with adam. and today he doesnt wanna go to maknek's. poor ayah kena pujuk anak tercinta..

i started my saturday with wedding at my xboss's kenduri. it was his 2nd daughter's wedding. b4 that i met a long friend of mine - johan. dah nak kawin dah dia.. after the wedding we went to toys r us to find gifts for che made's little nieces & nephews. abg ajih and family was on the way to kolakrai and stopped to fetch kak sah. so we had makan2 at kakchik's. yummy.... dah dekat kul 11.30 pm baru balik umah. letihnye...

then on sunday we went to iskandar's (sherry's) birthday party. then myself headed to alpha angle. the 4th day in a row. heheh.. i was in AA on thursday for saja2 jalan2 sambil carik kasut kak sah. sambil2 jugak tengok talipon baru. on friday pegi lagi. this time bawak mak & alin and also beli henpon baru. then saturday pegi lagi. sebab nak beli hadiah anak2 sedara che made. then sunday for the RALK's meeting. after the meeting i had a minum2 petang with ad & diana. sessi "suai kenal" rakan2 seperjuangan :)

i think if AA ada kasik hadiah saguhati untuk pengunjung terbanyak dalam satu minggu sure i dah boleh register.. hahaha

then that sunday nite, makmok (che nani's mom) came with the other sisters.

what a weekend kan?

and i have to make this announcement:

"saya dengan ini meminta maaf kepada suami saya yg tercinta kerana saya telah terleka bersama rakan2 saya sehingga menyebabkan suami saya tidak dapat menghadiri gathering bersama ahli keluarganya. saya mintak ampun dan maaf banyak2 sangat.. sangat yg amat sangat..."

i feel bad

sorry dear

ME?

life kindda cruel - at times
but who am i to say NO to these cruelty
who am i to judge what cruelty has caused me
who am i to push it away...

am i too weak to accept it?
am i too vulnerable?

where's my strength?
where's my courage when i need it most?
where's my desire when i need it to drive me?
where's my "U KNOW U CAN DO IT" motto inside me?

i've lost it all
i've left it behind
i let it drift away

but..

could i get it back?
can it be partial of me... again?
can i stand strong?
can i seat straight?
can i face the world the old way i look at it?

start now.. i have to make start now...
1, 2, 3
on ur mark, get set, go...

make it happen
make it a reality

yeah!!!!!!

*****

i'm still contemplating....

sigh...