mother's day

if my memory serves me right, i have only celebrated mother's day twice in my whole life. once when i was pregnant. and the celebration was because it falls on my birthday. the second time was when made bought me a spa treatment from the energy spa. none other that i could recall. neither that i could recall if i have ever celebrated mother's day with mak. maybe there was..

me and mak has never been an item. we argue most of the time. we could never row the same boat. the boat will crack, we will be drown. neither of us could swim - one of the minor similarities that we share.

during my childhood, i have always thought mak has never loved me. mak has always tried to figure out my fault. and it seemed that whatever good thing i did, has never caught mak's attention. but i have always been punished for things i did wrong. mak hated me, mak was jealous of me, mak has never wanted me in her life. it was hard to get daily pocket money from mak. it was only if i HAD no choice that i turned to mak. and i became little thief. whenever mak asked me to buy things from the kedai leman, instead of rm1, i'll "accidently" pull out rm5. i retired being a little thief a couple of weeks later, after bapak made me wrote a book full of "saya tak akan mencuri lagi".

during my teenie, things never changed. mak was still the same. i have never felt "welcome" by mak. whenever i did wrong, i'd be punished. whenever my sayings were wrong, she wont talk to me, silent treatment. thus made me turned to my friends. and she never knew who my friends were, except for sherry. the rest, i needed to explain. "fizah.. yg duduk belakang ni", "ayu.. yg duduk au3 tu", "bukan najwa la mak, nama dia izwa". it was pathetic. mak called me "anak setan" for answering a phone call from a friend. i felt totally discriminated. i felt.. i'm better off without mak.

i worked during my semester breaks. i have even started part time work during my final year in itm. simply because i needed my pocket money. simply because i want to stay away from home. simply because i dont want any silent treatments. and i had tears of sadness on my graduation.

i got married. we moved out of the house. a dream came true. and i am so grateful that this action has its disguise.

things changed.. mak has now called me whenever she has things on her mind. i am now, a buddy to mak. i am now somebody whom mak trusted and mak can turn to. mak has now been my companion whenever made is not around. though, yes, there are still times that i felt neglected by mak, but deep inside i know the reason for mak taking such action. mak confided in me. i felt proud. i felt a sense of belonging. i started to feel, i am mak's daughter. i started to feel the love in the air. i started to breeze with mak beside me. a feeling that was never with me...

as time passes, generation changes. that was the root of all conflicts. mak wanted the best of her children. along as her only son, she expects the best from along. so does from her 2 daughters. she stands firm for the lovely roses. and also to her only daughter-in-law whom she loves dearly, and the same goes to her darling son- in- law.

i tend to think she didnt love me. when the fact is that she loves me dearly. i am her first daughter and she was being over protective. i thought she was being nasty & strict because she didnt want me, but the truth is she wanted me to reach the clouds and not only stays on the ground. i felt she has neglected me but the thing was she wanted me to be independent and stand firm. she wants me to be able to look into the world with my own view and not thru her eyes. she wants me to listen to the melody with my own ears and not with her singing the lullaby. she wants me to taste all the sweet and bitterness and not for her to swallow it all for me.

she wants me to be me.

perhaps i was blind. perhaps i was the one who closed the ears and shut the mouth. or perhaps i was given more time and chances to realize before it was too late to love mak.

"i dare not to speak, as a word of mine will be a torn in your love. i dare not to speak as my speech will be a tear of my own. i dare not to cry as my tears will be the heaviest punishment for my children. as much as my sayings hurt you, it hurts me too. my silent was not a treatment. my silent was for your own good. i wouldn't want to hurt my darlings whom i cherish all these years. what had happened to me, was meant for me. i have never asked for things to happen but it was all written for me. please dont judge me for what i said for the sayings are only for what i felt. dont judge me for what i did for the action are only for what i regret" - mak